


Bittersweet Memories

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-10 14:44:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1160922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 8/28/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Bittersweet Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 8/28/99

The gym looks like something out ofwell, someplace that isn't the Hellmouth. It looks like a real high school gym with a prom. No hell hounds, so something must have gone right in Buffy's life this week. My heart clenches as I think of her sobbing on my lap.

I wonder if I'll ever hurt that badly. 

Then I see my answer. 

Xander's standing by the wall, staring blankly at Anya. She's talking and, from my brief acquaintance with her, I'm guessing boring him to death. I smile, despite the pain that seeing him still brings on sometimes. Xander has hurt me more times in my life than most people would think humanly possible. And we've managed to remain friends through almost all of them. 

Lately we haven't been very good friends. 

Maybe it started with Cordelia. Maybe with Oz. Maybe with Buffy. Maybe with high school and all that growing up entails. Either way, we're not the Xander and Willow that we used to be. 

The Willow I used to be would be sitting on a bench, staring out at the dancing couples and sighing. She'd be wondering if her two best guy friends were going to ask her to dance or if they'd forget about her in their pursuit of the next best thing. 

She would be sad and lonely and pathetic. 

Instead I'm dancing with Oz, who loves me. And staring at Xander. Whom I love. 

***

I can't hear her over the beat of the music, but I know she's still talking about the horrors she visited on all the men who have betrayed the women who loved them. Maybe that's why she likes me. She's trying to find my weak spot so that she can do horrible things to me. 

I really would have been better off with my sock puppet 'o love. 

A long time ago, before Buffy and Hellmouths and all this other stuff in my life, I knew exactly what my prom was going to be like. I would come with Willow and Jesse. We'd be dressed up in the finest our cheap parents could afford and we'd sit quietly on the sidelines. Occasionally Jesse or I would venture out to try and get a dance, coming back to Willow with our tails between our legs. 

And she would welcome us, secretly hoping that I would ask her. Then the last dance of the night, when she thought it was over and time to go home, I'd turn to her and open my arms. "Dance with me, Willow?" 

And she'd blush and stammer and say a few vowel sounds. Then I'd take her in my arms and dance with her. 

Instead she's dancing with Oz. 

And I'm nothing more than a bittersweet memory. 

The song ends and they talk for a few minutes while the DJ does something that is supposed to be funny and school spirit inspiring. I block him out, watching as Oz gives her a quick kiss before walking over to the beverage table where Giles and Wesley are guarding the punch bowl. 

Seeing my opportunity, I mumble some excuse to Anya, who keeps on talking, and walk over to Willow. She's standing near a group of people, but she's not part of them. I step toward her and open my mouth to ask her to dance when the music starts. 

***

All of a sudden, it's like I'm back in my bedroom months ago and I'm staring at Xander in his tux. Of all the songs they could play, why did it have to be this one? I look over to the stage, but my gaze is stopped by the man standing in front of me. 

When did he become a gentleman? He never answered me. More importantly, when did Xander become a man? 

***

Her green eyes widen as the song comes on and I want to sneak back to where I was hiding against the wall. I haven't heard this song since I became the kind of man Anya would want to punish. I imagine her in the black dress, looking more beautiful than ever before. I see her shoulder length hair framing her face perfectly. I see her moving closer to me, unsure of herself. I see her closing her eyes, moving in for my kiss - our kiss. 

"Wouldcouldshould"

"Are you Dr. Seuss now, Xander?" 

"I'd very" I blush, stammering like an idiot. "Would"

"Would you like to dance, Xander?" 

I nod, unsure of myself. "It would require touching. And we're not supposed to do that." 

"Do you promise to behave yourself?" 

I look over her shoulder at Oz who's smiling in our direction. He's probably amused by it all. Probably not afraid that I might be able to steal his girlfriend. Willow belongs to him now, so I'm not sure why I'm trembling or why my palms are so sweaty. "I promise." 

She moves into my arms as though none of the past year has happened. For a moment I can pretend that Buffy never left, Cordelia and I are still together, Willow is happy with Oz and she's never been more to me than my best friend. 

It's a nice delusion while it lasts. Which is as long as it takes for her to touch me. The minute her hand finds mine, I feel all the emotions boil up inside me and I feel like I'm going to lose the tenuous control I have. 

I ruined it all. 

I ruined the most perfect friendship in the world. I hurt some of the people I love. And pretty soon we're going to fight the mayor and Willow will never know how much she means to me. We might die on the Ascension Day and I'll never have a chance to let her know that she is my heart. 

I wish I were still selfish enough to tell her. 

***

Xander's hand in mine is like a lifeline, while at the same time, it makes me feel like I'm drowning. I focus on our joined hands and think about all the wonderful times we've spent together being the best of friends. I think about how hard it's going to be for me when he leaves to go on his road trip. I think about all the things that I should be thinking about Xander while I'm dating Oz. 

Every once in a while though, I think about the hand pressed to the small of my back and I think about the feel of his lips on mine. I think about his body pressed tightly to mine as we lay together on the dank smelling bed in the factory. I think of the feel of his hands smoothing over my body as we insinuated ourselves against one another. 

We're going to be facing the greatest evil we've known in a week and I don't know that I'll ever see Xander again when all is said and done. I want to kiss him and hold him and make love to him. I want to do all the things I've dreamed about since I was little. 

Then I look down at our joined hands and I think of Oz. Who I want to do all those same wonderful things with. I need them both to know that I love them before the end comes. How do you let the two men you love know it without hurting one of them? Or both. 

***

The song ends and I start to pull away from her. She tightens the grip on my hand and pulls me into a tight hug. Taking advantage of the moment, I breathe in the scent that is distinctly Willow and whisper the most important words I'll ever say into the fiery hair I've loved since the first day I saw it shining in the sun. 

"I love you." 

***

I hold him close for a moment too long, wishing it could all be different. I inhale his scent, Xander and chocolate and something more, and bury my head on his shoulder. I've only said the words once before, and that same night he betrayed me. 

But I say them again. Because I want to. Because I have to. 

"I love you Xander." 

***

We pull away from each other and I wonder if she heard me. Not that it matters. 

She's Willow. 

She knows. 

***

I pull back and smile at him, wondering if he heard. Not caring really. It needed to be said. 

I'm sure he knows. 

He's Xander. 


End file.
